Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

I should begin this review with a confession. I didn't watch the entire movie. I bailed about half way through. I know there will be people who would say that I can't review a movie that I haven't watched all the way through. To them I suggest they consider this less as a review and more like a public service announcement.

H & G: WH (as I will be calling it from here on) is bad. There it's no other way to put it. The premise is that after Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) escape the gingerbread cottage they subsequently dedicate their lives to hunting down and exterminating witches, which actually seems promising, but it's an empty promise, made from the shadows, and you better check all the other shadows, argh, too late.

The biggest puzzle is how this can be so bad. It's got action packed battles with the sort of gadgets you'd expect from medieval Batman, any number of ways to gruesomely bring down the bad guys and freaking Hawkeye from The Avengers.

What we end up with are two leads who seem to want to play it as deadpan as possible meaning there is no chemistry between them or anyone else. The witches are trying (and failing) to be over the top scenery chewers which removes any sense of menace. The rest of the supporting cast are left not knowing how they are meant to play it and subsequently just come off as flat.

I admit to liking my fair share of bad movies, the sort that you can have fun watching even though you know you shouldn't.  The guilty pleasure movie is, well, a guilty pleasure of mine.  H & G: WH is too bad to even be put in this category.  It is appalling.  I can only guess it was pushed through to capatilise on the very thin link it has with The Avengers.  The only movie that I can think of that comes close to the sheer awfulness of this movie is Abraham Lincoln - Vampire Hunter, but H & G: WH had me thinking that AL - VH maybe wasn't all that bad.  This movie is so bad it made another bad movie look significantly better!

I feel I should try to add something positive, and all I can come up with is the opening credits where the time between Hansel and Gretel's escape and when this... movie... is set is shown by stylised animation resembling wood cuttings and olde style news sheets with flames and a dramatic score.  It goes on too long and I was yawning by the end of it but it is still the best part!

H & G: WH is a wasted opportunity turned into a waste of a movie and all I can say is do not waste any of your time watching this.

In nine words - They should have been the ones who got baked!